Ridah

There was a new camera I really wanted... a DSLR, one of the more expensive ones. I don't want many things, but this was one of the few I really did. For years I had been toying with the idea of buying one, repeatedly getting close enough to have got my credit card out, then pulling back at the last minute. I could find the money if needed alhamdulillah, but I could never justify the cost... even with discount packages I was looking at the best part of a grand, and no matter how many plans I might make to generate income from it, I could never shake the feeling that it was an extravagance. It would be the most money I had ever spent, aside from on travel - almost twice the cost of my first car (a banger, but it got me from A to B for over a year).

I knew spending so much was way outside my comfort zone but still, I really, really wanted it. Probably more than I'd wanted any material thing before.


A few weeks ago I decided to stop messing about and just buy the camera. I had just wanted it for so long, and knew I would get some beautiful shots even if I did nothing with them. Up to this point I had been using my cameraphone, not even a decent digital camera. I started reading reviews online for the latest models, bought "What Digital Camera" magazine and started shopping around for the best deals. I also asked a friend and fellow photography enthusiast for advice, oj - who had been encouraging me to buy a proper camera for a very long time. I found the site I was going to order from, got my credit card ready and took a deep breath.

I don't know why, but just then it crossed my mind to take an istikhara. I take them often, particularly to reassure me (against my impetuous nature) that I am not doing something stupid - something which would displease Allah. I left the computer on at the checkout page, and performed the istekhara. The result was,

"And if you turn away from them to seek mercy from your Lord, which you hope for, speak to them a gentle word."

-- Al Isra', 17:28

As soon as I read the first few words, I started to smile. I had a suspicion this meant not buying the camera could amount to pursuit of the pleasure and mercy of Allah; and if so I knew what my choice would have to be... but it wasn't immediately clear if that was the case. I knew I would do what I had to if I had to, but I can't deny the reluctance to give up something I loved which I felt when I first read the reply; I wanted to make absolutely sure I understood the kheira first.

I prayed again, saying how much I wanted it, but also that I would resolve to give it up if I was certain of the meaning. I opened the Quran again hoping I'd been mistaken and got another verse, one which I was confused by and couldn't understand the relevance of. I had a strong feeling with the first verse that I had been given my answer, so tried to find it again to re-read it in context in the hope that I would understand it better. I found the passage again easily and read the verse again, then the few before it.

"Your Lord knows best what is in your minds; if you are good, then He is surely Forgiving to those who turn (to Him) frequently. And give to the near of kin his due and (to) the needy and the wayfarer, and do not squander wastefully. Surely the squanderers are the fellows of the Shaitans and the Shaitan is ever ungrateful to his Lord...

-- Al Isra' 17:25-7

And there was my answer, in full. I'd wanted to know if buying the camera was the best course of action to take, and had pushed for a specific answer in the past, above and beyond confirmations of its permissibility. This was it, I had to swallow the little selfish "me" inside which wanted the camera so badly and pull my heart off what I had set it upon, unless I wanted to choose the pursuit of these fleeting worldly pleasures over the one thing I had always said mattered most to me. The matter was settled. I comforted myself with the thought that I could get a nice compact digital camera instead.

I smiled once more as I read the original verse again.


And if you turn away from them to seek mercy from your Lord, which you hope for, speak to them a gentle word."


My final thoughts were about the words, "speak to them a gentle word". At first I couldn't see their relevance but now I realised the advice I was being given, as my thoughts faded to leave the only thing about my decision which now worried me:


oj was gonna kill me.




I'm sorry man, I hope you understand.

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5th March '08