Tuesday 11 December 2007

the problem with my perception

For the longest time, I had considered reality to be grounded in the sense-perceived, material universe; and what is beyond that to be some deeper reality, albeit closer to truth.

The problem I had with that was in finding the motivation to pull away from what was still a reality, to move to the next.

What is actually the case, is this base state grounded in sensory perception of the material

is not reality.

it is not real. it is illusory, fleeting, wildly inaccurate or at best incomplete.

The journey is actually from the state of delusion, to the only thing that is real.

who in their right mind would be happy within a permanent dream state, no matter how good?

you should remember the illusion, when faced with the pull.


self-deception
is never welcome
with one who seeks Truth


By staring at the red light, becoming engrossed in its colour and form you lose sight of what it signifies - the impending danger, which should occupy your attention instead.

The danger is what is real - the red light, neither here nor there.

* * *

with thanks to
Light Within Me

Monday 10 December 2007

beginnings:: muddled

what is this life
that i cling to
what meaning does it have,
comfortable as it is?

when all is said and done, what will remain
of this pulling, warm, oblivious stupour...
drunk on life, foggy-headed
I fight within myself

alice calls desperately "wake up!"
against the sweet soothing lul
torn between the choices, my weak resolve scatters
lost, muddled, I sit,
not knowing down from up.

* * *

Saturday 8 December 2007

FAITH

what is the purpose of faith
faith is just to believe
in what is there
what is there irrespective of belief

faith is to know
what reality is
but what would you do with that knowledge?

to learn for its own sake splutters and stalls
in the face of drawn-out journeying
it is not motivation enough

so
what is motivation
what is the reason
to improve & learn?


the world is reasonless
except for
the all-penetrating, endless
breath of the divine which holds it
and gives it shape


if you search
it should only be
for this breath


if you search
it will only be
for your own sake


what is around you?

better understand it to know
what it is worth pursuing
knowledge of.



He
loves

YOU

Sunday 4 November 2007

How to Strengthen your Iman

Ayatullah Ja'far Subhani, Imam of the Friday Prayers at the Sayeda Masuma haram in Qum, was asked how young people in the west might go about increasing their iman.

His answer was simple. He told us:

There are three things you should do.
  1. Pray at the very first time of the prescribed time for prayers

  2. Read at least a quarter of a Juz' of Quran every day

  3. Carry a notepad with you wherever you go, and record your bad deeds throughout the day. At the end of the day review what you have written, and ask forgiveness for the sins you have committed.

Thursday 30 August 2007

Invitations & Welcomes


When the door opens, know that the owner of the house has opened it for you. If you choose to come, it is possible through their permission and not otherwise. Don't let shame & self-awareness make you forget -- it is not on your own merit for you to feel deep & uncomfortable shame at its lack; it has always been at the grace and mercy of the resident.

The scholar-prince of believers invited you first - before all, before you yourself were his follower. His speciality in thought, answers in the face of abundant & colourful ideologies, his rational & logical approaches, historical & narrated through his fathers, his diplomacy, wisdom & means & method of survival & habitation amongst unbelievers & class society, his humility & maintenance of the perfection of Islamic behaviour despite plots & hostility -- this Imam who first called, & has called as many times as the Prophet, held lessons for your situation; an example & guide for your life. Your delay in realisation did not prevent his re-invitation, & his gentle beckon remains, sweeter than ever, ready for your approach.

Hand picked by him are his visitors - like flowers. This son of the Prophet is my Imam: he watches over me, teaches me, & draws me close when I need him, if I am willing to come.

* * *

Iran, Mashhad
July 07

Monday 27 August 2007

On Mercy:: Dua Kumayl


what weighs on your heart, which you fear the consequences of -- that abandonment to the cold & dark loneliness of doubt or disbelief - that isolation & lack of comfort, support & guidance which you need to progress -- that without which you fear withering death & suffering with a burning heart...

This
is known to Allah,
& leaving a believer so distressed
-- no matter their sins --
is not consistent with His mercy.

He is the One who quells the flames,
& makes them coolness & peace.

He is the One
Who would not leave -- by His Greatness & Mercy --
A believer, expectant & calling for Him.


What you fear
will not happen.

* * *
in His name - the Merciful, the Great.
First Dua Kumayl in Mashhad, Iran
July 2007.

Saturday 14 July 2007

On His Lordship, & our servitude

On the authority of Abu Dharr Al-Ghafari, of the prophet is that among the sayings he relates from his Lord is that He said:

"O My servants, I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it forbidden amongst you, so do not oppress one another.

O My servants, all of you are astray except for those I have guided, so seek guidance of Me and I shall guide you. O My servants, all of you are hungry except for those I have fed, so seek food of Me and I shall feed you. O My servants, all of you are naked except for those I have clothed, so seek clothing of Me and I shall clothe you. O My servants, you sin by night and by day, and I forgive all sins, so seek forgiveness of Me and I shall forgive you.

O My servants, you will not attain harming Me so as to harm Me, and you will not attain benefiting Me so as to benefit Me. O my servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to become as pious as the most pious heart of any one man of you, that would not increase My kingdom in anything. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to be as wicked as the most wicked heart of any one man of you, that would not decrease My kingdom in anything. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to rise up in one place and make a request of Me, and were I to give everyone what he requested, that would not decrease what I have, any more than a needle decreases the sea if put into it.

O My servants, it is but your deeds that I reckon up for you and then recompense you for, so let him who finds good praise Allah, and let him who finds other than that blame no one but himself."

* * *

Allah the Almighty has said: "O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as it."

* * *

with thanks to
the Supreme Lord,
the Most Kind.

virtual IV

Conclusions:

[Know this,] so that you may not despair over whatever [good] has escaped you nor exult [unduly] over whatever [good] has come to you... (57:23)

* * *
"Young man, I shall teach you some words [of advice] : Be mindful of Allah, and Allah will protect you. Be mindful of Allah, and you will find Him in front of you. If you ask, ask of Allah; if you seek help, seek help of Allah.

Know that if the Nation were to gather together to benefit you with anything, it would benefit you only with something that Allah had already prescribed for you, and that if they gather together to harm you with anything, they would harm you only with something Allah had already prescribed for you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried."


and in another version,

"..Be mindful of Allah, you will find Him before you. Get to know Allah in prosperity and He will know you in adversity. Know that what has passed you by was not going to befall you; and that what has befallen you was not going to pass you by. And know that victory comes with patience, relief with affliction, and ease with hardship."

* * *

Allah the Almighty has said: "Who soever shows enmity to a friend of Mine, I shall be at war with him. My servant does not draw near to Me with anything more loved by Me than the religious duties I have imposed upon him, and My servant continues to draw near to Me with supererogatory works so that I shall love him. When I love him I am his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees, his hand with which he strikes, and his foot with which he walks. Were he to ask [something] of Me, I would surely give it to him and were he to ask Me for refuge, I would surely grant him it."

* * *

"Purity is half of faith. alhamdu-lillah [Praise be to Allah] fills the scales, and subhana-Allah [How far is Allah from every imperfection] and alhamdu-lillah [Praise be to Allah] fill that which is between heaven and earth. Prayer is light; charity is a proof; patience is illumination; and the Quran is an argument for or against you. Everyone starts his day and is a vendor of his soul, either freeing it or bringing about its ruin."


* * *

with thanks to
the Most Merciful

Monday 9 July 2007

On Certainty

The levels of certainty.


Allah who knows the seen and the unseen proclaims that the Quran revealed to the Holy Prophet is the truth of assured certainty (haqqul yaqin), which can never be disproved.
* * *

Truth as understood by man by the application of his power of judgement and appraisement of visible evidence through reasoning or inference is called ilmul yaqin.

* *

If he sees something with his own eyes, described as "seeing is believing", it is called Ayn ul yaqin which sometimes terminates in delusion or deception.

*
tafsir 69:38 --from here

* * *

"Argue with a fool, and most likely the fool is doing the same... because the problem is not, do you believe what you see, but what is it that you see?"
-- reproduced, with thanks

Tuesday 3 July 2007

knowledge & submission III



In prayer, I felt the stubbornness in my soul
I realised - I loved the world & was reluctant to leave it - so
If I would not leave my home, how could I begin the journey to God?

For a while I was dumbstruck, silent; until
I realised - or remembered - the world is fake, deception
And knew; no-one who knows this, would want it at all.

* * *


"Many a knowledge comes to man in stages:

(1) first he becomes aware of an idea;
(2) then he has some doubts about its correctness;
(3) then he becomes inclined to accept it;
(4) then gradually the possibility of his accepting the opposite view vanishes completely and he becomes firmly convinced of the truth of that idea - and this firm conviction is called knowledge.

If such a knowledge is concerned with some frightening affair, then his worry and disquiet will begin as soon as he reaches the third stage when he is only inclined to accept it - is only "thinking" that probably it may be true."

* * *


(c) July 2007,
with thanks to
AlMizan.org

Monday 2 July 2007

Seeking knowledge of God...

... above and beyond any other form of knowledge

All praise is due to Allah, the First and Last, the Originator and Creator, the giver of Order and Beauty.

Throughout the courses of our lives, it is necessary for all men to acquire knowledge. From the time an infant is born the mind and senses combine to analyse information from the outside world, which is then assimilated into an internal world-view in the theoretical arena, and later applied to physical problems in the practical arena. Over the course of history men have combined their knowledge and built upon the works of their forefathers, separating it out into schools of science and mathematics, philosophy and art; continually expanding, refining and specialising the content of each. Each school has become a blanket for a vast array of knowledge, by no means complete, yet far beyond the capability of any one individual to amass or encompass. The totality of knowledge within a single speciality within any one school is approaching impossible to acquire even for the brightest minds; and the sum of all human knowledge to date is impossible to comprehend, let alone the sum of all knowledge – known or yet to be discovered, if discoverable at all.

Those who seek knowledge (over and above the basic levels required to function and interact within society) must choose carefully which type of knowledge to pursue, and which to forgo. Many decide according to their interests or abilities, some driven by curiosity or the prospect of income, others seeking practical solutions or innovations to better their situation. But in each of these choices, there necessitates a neglect of other branches of knowledge which may be more worthy of pursuit. The one who seeks knowledge for its own sake; to better understand the universe from the heavens above to the depths of men’s souls; cannot tolerate blind pursuit of arbitrary branches of knowledge, knowing they within their lifetimes they may never chance upon the knowledge which can help them unlock the greatest questions of existence. Without a reasoned and logical direction to their studies, the vast majority of these thinkers would be doomed to frustration and failure.


Believing in God, knowing that He is the Source and Original Cause of the universe, understanding that He created all according to a Grand Design; its complex progression, laws of interaction and development, the natures of all beings and the purpose behind their creation; Master of all about which there is knowledge, in all schools and that which is unknown; leads towards an understanding of the power and significance of knowledge of God. Knowledge of Him encompasses the ultimate reasons for the form and existence of the universe, and the totality of the myriad of directions it may take in times to come. Attaining core knowledge from the very Source of Knowledge will shed light upon countless world-truths, the way fundamental axioms unfold and combine to give endless rules and realities, which ultimately stem solely from their logical conclusions. The knowledge relating to Him traverses all branches and schools, colouring the understanding of every aspect of creation.

If a seeker desires knowledge, the most worthy pursuit must be that most complete and all-encompassing, general knowledge; which may be expanded towards any direction and within any branch they choose. It must be in seeking those general, fundamental truths, which are the essence of the universe. No single speciality can be studied without starting at the end of knowledge in its field, then working back along the single branches towards the source; never touching any branch except those directly preceding the one you started upon.

Only through knowledge of the Source of all branches can one gain general understanding of all knowledge, then move on to specific and detailed understanding of some.

If a seeker desires Truth, it is incumbent upon them to seek knowledge of God; and in so doing they may approach every other form of knowledge, as the source of a river leads to the sea.


All praise is due to Allah, Lord and Cherisher of the Worlds.

* * *

(c) June '07

Sunday 10 June 2007

To Deny Him Attributes III

when the question of Divine Unity is raised in religious discourse, it is taken to include many topics incluring the belief in the oneness of the essence, so, too, the compounding of the attributes and the distinction between essence and attributes is totally excluded with respect to unity of the attributes. Distinctness and differentiation derive from limitation. If in the world of nature we look at a body through different coloured pieces of glass, that body will appear to us in a succession of different colours. Similarly, when we contemplate the unique divine essence with our reason, we sometimes ascribe knowledge to that infinite being with regard to the fact that all creatures are at all times present before Him; we then say that He is all-knowing. At other times we are aware of His ability to create all things, and we hen speak of His being all-powerful.

So, when we percieve through these various apertres, the different attributes which appear to resemble the properties of our limited beings, we attempt to separate them from His infinite essence. Objectively, however, all the concepts conveyed by the different attributes have a single existence and convey a single reality, a reality that is free from all defect and deficiency, that posesses all perfections such as power, mercy, knowledge, blessedness, wisdom and splendor.

"God and His attributes" by Sayyid Mujtaba Musavi Lari

You cannot think of Allah as a compound or collection of several separate attributes without denying Him unity. You can't imagine a part of Him labelled "Mercy" and another "Power" or another "Seeing" and consider those separately, any more than it makes sense to say that you can separate out the part called "green" from the body of a blade of grass, or the "negative" from an electron. It is an integral part of its entire nature, and inseperably combined in the whole, and by having abstract knowledge of that one part you can't get knowledge of the whole.

Due to our human limitations we think of different aspects of Him and get tempted to think that they are separate parts of His character. What we fail to realise is that each time we notice something different, we are looking towards the same, single, reality but through a different angle: using a different coloured piece of glass. If you look at a yellow flower through some red glass, it looks red, and its leaves look brown. If you use a green piece the leaves look green, but the flower looks like a lighter shade of green. Using blue glass the flower is a darker green, and the leaves are bluish. Would it make sense to say that there are three flowers, one red, and two different greens, which exist in the same body, and to manifest each one you have to look through a different piece of glass? can we separate the red flower out in our thinking from the green ones? Would we ever really understand what the truth about that flower was if we insisted on this thinking, separating out parts for it because of our patchy and limited knowledge of its real nature?

It is a partial image we are getting each time of the same one reality, and trying to build them up into a view of the whole by adding all these parts together isnt the answer. instead we need to realise that He is One, and that all of the partial bits of information we have about Him: such as Him being the Creator, the Most Powerful, the Just, the Compassionate... are all aspects of the same inseperable one reality. We need to deny the attributes as something "separate" within Him that manifest on certain occasions, or we will never be able to approach knowledge of Him.


... the renown scholar al-Kulaini al-Razi cites derivation of the word "Allah", the Imam said to him: "O Hisham" the proper noun "Allah" is derived from "ilah"; "the Creator" requires the existence of creation [to testify to His being its creator]. This is a noun, not an adjective. Anyone who worships a name without worshipping what the name stands for is actually committing kufr, apostacy; in reality he does not worship anything at all. One who worships the name and the meaning is also commiting kufr, for he will be worshipping two. Only one who worships the meaning without the name is in line with the concept of Tawhid (Unity of God). Have you understood all of this, O Hisham?" He answered him in the affirmative, requesting to provide more explanations, wherupon the Imam said, "There are ninety nine attributes of Allah. Had each attribute been the same as it describes, each one of them would have been a god by itself. But,"Allah" is the meaning one deducts once he becomes familliar with all of these attributes. They all, O Hisham, in their collective sense, are not the same as He himself. Bread is something you eat. Water is something you drink. A garment is something you put on. And fire is something that burns. Do you understand all of this, O Hisham, fully enough so that you would promote it and fight the enemies of Allah for its sake?!" Hisham answered him in the affirmative, whereupon the Imam added, "May Allah grant you thereby benefits, and may he keep your feet firm thereupon, O Hisham!"

"The Concept of God in Islam" by Yaseen T al-Jibouri



* * *
11 June 2007 ~~ I'm back.

Wednesday 9 May 2007

disclaimer, edited

To all those who treat everything I say with reverence and respect: I find it funny when people listen to me like I know what I'm talking about. Don't take me too seriously. It probably wouldn't be good for your health.

To all those who make it their lifes mission to disagree with me: one of these days you'll realise, I actually do know what I'm talking about.

I am not always right, nor am I always wrong. If you assume either, you're an idiot.

I'm not quite back yet, but inshaAllah, soon.


* * *

(c) May 2007

Friday 27 April 2007

this is to announce

that I will be leaving for a time. there are a number of things I need to sort out, and it has become blindingly obvious that I cannot rely on anyone else for even so much as company. I dont know when (if) I'll be back, but for now this place will still be here if you should like to visit.

as a parting request, I ask you to pray for me.

* * *

from now until whenever,
if that time comes.

Monday 16 April 2007

Hadi



In glory of our guide, the immortal hero
Without whom even Imams would have not Islam
Suffice the praise from the Almighty in His book of you,
O best of men, beloved Last Messenger of Allah

Though words fail on behalf of mankind in gratitude
We bow to your words in which lies the command of Allah
And praise evermore & seek His blessings upon you,
O beloved, O Muhammad, O Mustafa.


* * *
(c) April 2007

ma'siyah

I am Firon

every time i choose what i want, over what He wants, no matter how small

I am satan

when he refused to bow to Adam (as), even though he said he would worship in other ways. it was self denial -- if i let my pride keep me from obeying Him instead of me, even with seemingly logial reasons. How can I truly have Islam if i dont submit myself to Him? Whoever has even the smallest speck of arrogance will never enter heaven.

They say the first & hardest veil to tear is Pride. & not with no reason.

Let this day be the start of my active submission
& the start of my active suppression of my stubborn will.

* * *

(c) March 2007

Wednesday 11 April 2007

the return



There is a special kind of peace that comes with being in the presence of someone great, and a special kind of inspiration which comes just by being close to them. Often you dont fully appreciate the impact this person or situation has had on your life until its gone; and too often you dont value the strength afforded you by a believing, religiously active community until you are alone.

At such times you must suddenly separate from such beneficial companions, the world at once seems dark and cold, and the loneliness of solitary belief can crush you into old habits and draw you into the death of apathy.

In the dying throes, when you still feel the pain of this, there is nothing to stop you reaching for your complete, perfect examples & leaders, your permanent support, guidance, inspiration & community. In the loss of those good souls who, just by being around them, inspired you to be more; you can realise your true need for knowledge of your perfect, full examples.

You finally realise, you cannot do this alone, nor can you keep the calm, distant relation of polite ziarat you had once developed. You feel the need to see them more than the thirst for water on a hot summer's day. You feel the burning desire to be with them & know them & serve & represent them as best you can, and give up the false modesty of not wishing to see them because of your shortcomings. You finally, fully realise your total loss without them, and pray fervently that Allah will reveal them to you as soon as possible.

You cannot do this alone. But you do not have to. Instead of seeking this salvation from scholars, sheikhs, spouses or friends; you finally turn fully - open armed and waiting for contact - to your leaders, who have been waiting in turn for you, all along.

May Allah accept all our prayers in their name, unite us with them in this life & the next, & make us their full & faithful followers.


* * *

(c) April 2007

Wednesday 21 March 2007

mawla

I kneel
an old man, in the vineyard
before the sweet red grapes
pulling them off
eating, & passing them back
to the hand above my shoulder

my Master
& leader, I know
but who is this figure
in shadow, the youth
at his side
who I have not acknowledged?

I was puzzled
at this one, seeing two
and, the shame, thought a while
before realising

you were there
and I had not recognised you at all.

* * *
(c) Winter 2006,
from an event much earlier

Friday 16 March 2007

to deny Him attributes II

to add words to the image: a section from tafsir Nahjul Balaghah.

* * *

After pointing out the essentials of Divine knowledge Amir al-mu'minin has described its important constituents and conditions. He has held those stages of such knowledge which people generally regard as the point of highest approach to be insufficient.

1. He says that its first stage is that with the natural sense of search for the unknown and the guidance of conscience or on hearing from the followers of religions an image of the Unseen Being known as Allah is formed in the mind. This image in fact is the forerunner of the obligation to thinking and reflection and to seeking His knowledge... one who is moved by the power of this image goes further and considers thinking and reflection necessary.

2. In this way one reaches the next stage in the attainment of Divine knowledge, namely to search for the Creator through diversification of creation and species of creatures, because every picture is a solid and inflexible guide to the existence of its painter and every effect to the action of its cause... after observing all that exists in the world and the regulated system of the entire creation no one can help concluding that there is a Creator for this world of diversities because existence cannot come out of non-existence, nor can existence sprout forth from nothingness... But this stage would also be insufficient if this testimony in favour of Allah is tarnished by belief in the divinity of some other deity.

3. The third stage is that His existence should be acknowledged along with belief in Unity and Oneness. Without this the testimony to Allah's existence cannot be complete because if more gods are believed in He would not be One whereas it is necessary that He should be One... In short there is no way but to acknowledge Him as One because in believing in numerous creators there remains no possibility of the existence of any other thing, and destruction proves implicit for the earth, the sky and everything in creation. Allah the glorified has expressed this argument in the following words:

"Had there been in (the heavens and the earth [other] ) gods except Allah, they both had been in disorder. . ." (Qur'an, 21:22).

4. The fourth stage is that Allah should be regarded free of all defects and deficiencies... because there can be no deficiency or defect in the perfect Being nor can anyone be deemed like Him because all these attributes bring down a being from the high position of the Creator to the low position of the created. That is why along with Unity, Allah has held purity from deficiency of equal importance.

5. The fifth stage of completing His Knowledge is that attributes should not be put in Him from outside lest there be duality in His Oneness -- To Deny Him Attributes -- because His Being is not a combination of essence and form so that attribute may cling to Him like smell in the flowers or brightness in the stars. Rather, He is the fountain head of all attributes and needs no medium for manifestation of His perfect Attributes... If to Him is attributed the power to listen or to see it is because the cohesion of the entire creation and its administration cannot be done without hearing or seeing but the existence of these attributes in Him cannot be held to be in the same way as in the creation namely that He should be capable to know only after He acquires knowledge or He should be powerful and strong only after energy runs into His limbs. Taking attributes as separate from His Being would connote duality and where there is duality unity disappears.

That is how Amir al-mu'minin has rejected the idea of attributes being addition to His Being, presented Unity in its true significance, and did not allow Unity to be tainted with stains of multiplicity. This does not mean that adjectives cannot at all be attributed to Him...every nook and comer in the entire existence is brimming with His attributes and every particle of creation stands witness that He has knowledge, He is powerful, He hears, He sees. He nurtures under His care and allows growth under His mercy.

If we regard attributes distinct from Self in this manner there would be two alternatives; either the attributes must have existed in Him from ever or they must have occurred later. In the first case we have to recognise as many eternal objects as the attributes which all will share with Him in being eternal, but "Allah is above what the people deem Him to have equals." In the second case in addition to subjecting Him to the alternations it would also mean that before the acquiring of the attributes He was neither scient, nor powerful, nor hearer nor beholder and this runs counter to the basic tenet of Islam.

* * *
"Our Allah the Glorified, the Magnificent has ever had knowledge as His Self even though there was nothing to know, sight as His Self even though there was nothing to know, sight as His Self even though there was nothing to behold, hearing as His Self even though there was nothing to hear, and Potence as His Self even though there was nothing to be under His Potence. When He created the things and the object of knowledge came into existence His knowledge became related to the known, hearing related to the heard, sight related to the seen, and potence related to its object."
-- narrated from Imam Jafar as Sadiq
* * *
with thanks to Al-Islam.org
footnote 1

Monday 12 March 2007

to be with the Truthful

In the story of Kerbala, we see the 2 paths before us when we are faced with a moral choice. The 2 sides, the heroes & villains, represent to us the two courses - one, to swallow that unease and choose the easy option, wealth, physical comfort, material prosperity & security from immediate, worldly fear... & the other, to stand by the truth - what we know is right - even if it will cause us pain.

In the two sides we see the conclusion, the final result of our choices & the paths they will lead us upon. Through the course of our lives, in small matters or large, we all find ourselves repeatedly at this same fork in the road. We look to the tragedy of Kerbala & in the form of the oppressors & oppressed, we realise the true consequences & conclusions of our deeds. When tempted to the easy path, who amongst us has faced a trial greater than that of Hussein (as)? Who has had a path becon to them, so easy it would secure every worldly comfort at once; and on the other hand, the path of truth lead to every suffering and pain in this life at the hands of men?

We are Hurr, before this image: before the heroes and villains, before the Imam appinted by God and the imams leading us to fire, asking us to choose. Our stance is embodied by the realisation of this one man on the plains of Kerbala, the night before the great tragedy; when he began trembling, seeing himself between heaven and hell at this one choice, deciding not to prefer anything over heaven even if he is cut into pieces and burnt. Will we be able to make this same leap of faith & choose the uphil struggle for truth?


the final call of the Imam (as) echoes over time towards us, waiting for us to decide.

* * *
(c) March 2007

Sunday 11 March 2007

Islam

Have you fully realised what Islam is?
It is indeed a religion founded on truth.
It is such a fountain-head of learning
that several streams of wisdom
and knowledge flow from it.
It is such a lamp
that several lamps will be lighted from it.
It is a lofty beacon
illuminating the path of Allah.
It is such a set of principles and beliefs
that it will satisfy every seeker of truth and reality.
Know you all!
that Allah has made Islam the most sublime path
for the attainment of His supreme pleasure.
He has favoured it with
noble precepts
exalted principles
undeniable wisdom
undoubtable arguments
and unchallengeable supremacy.
It is up to you to maintain the eminence
and dignity granted to it by the Lord,
to follow it sincerely,
to do justice in its articles of faith and belief,
to obey implicitly its tenets and orders
and to give it the proper place in your lives.
* * *
Nahjul Balaghah, Imam Ali (as)
with thanks to Al-Khoei Foundation.

Saturday 3 March 2007

to deny Him attributes...

from nahjul balaghah, sermon 1. Click on the image to open it in a new window.

* the level "all humans, here & below" refers primarily to those who are not athiest, all humans who have an innate appreciation for some Higher Power who has control. Athiests too have this, but override it -- they refuse to acknowledge it despite the lack of a cohesive alternative. Often they will deify the "laws of nature", science or various other concepts as the source of the order in the world, without accepting a higher creator of these rules. Whether or not this indirectly counts as acknowledging Him remains a point of debate.

* * *

(c) March 2007


Wednesday 28 February 2007

for HCW

revisiting words of forgotten wisdom
in deeper appreciation, now many years have passed
sparked a tiny hope of reunion
which gently pulled me back to knowledges seat

I searched for you, happy
but found not a trace of your name
except one, hidden in long ago archived print
and realised, whats past can never be regained

tears pricked at my eyes
for the childlike thought that nothing would change
and the callous erasing of time
which left not a mark to show
how great you were
to all
to me

my teacher.


* * *

Dedication
(c) June 2006

Friday 23 February 2007

virtual III

the official rules

"Suppose a man according to his physical health expects to live for 150 years provided he looks after his health. If he does not, his expectation of life will be reduced to one half of that period. Now suppose that man does not look after his health and dies at the age of 75. It will be right to say that this man was destined to have two ages, and both of them were conditional. The condition of only one of them was fulfilled.

The destiny the condition of which has been fulfilled is irrevocable, and that the condition of which has not been fulfilled is revocable."


nest eggs & hacks

1. A direct appeal to the Author can be made at any stage, and will be answered.

"And when My servants ask you concerning Me, then surely I am very near; I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he calls on Me, so they should answer My call and believe in Me that they may walk in the right way."
-- Holy Quran, 2:186

2. Special power: Prayer. May be employed by any player at any time, and can alter any aspect of the game, even if this involves breaking outside the set framework of the game.

"Prayer changes even confirmed destiny"
-- hadeeth, Holy Prophet (saw)


3. Special power: good works. The game is coded such that virtuous deeds will always lead to a greater reward than vice. This is the case regardless of where the apaprent benefit lies. Virtues shape the player's future as consequences of his own free will, as previously discussed.

"The number of those who die because of committing sins is larger than the number of those who die their natural death, and the number of those who live because of doing good deeds is larger than the number of those who live because of their real age"
-- hadeeth, Imam Sadiq (as)

4. Alliance with the Forces of Nature.

If the player has managed to perfect the use of all three methods combined, he may succeeding in allying himself with a number of great, fundamental, non-material causes of destiny, which are part of the programmed world order. Some examples of these forces follow.

force: "the support of Justice & Equity", because of which the world is in existence. All efforts allied with this join the greater whole, and will not be wasted.

"Believers, if you help Allah's cause, He will help you and make you stand firmly"
-- Holy Quran, 47:7

force: "Trust in the Author", by which the player gains conviction, strength and determination. He will never fear death, devastation, poverty or helplessness as a consequence of the path of virtue.

"Such people when warned to fear those who are gathered against them, (the threat of danger) increased their faith and they cried: Allah is sufficient for us! Most excellent is He in whom we trust!"
-- Holy Quran, 3:172



"the world has been so arranged that the whole system of causes and effects will come to his aid if he whole-heartedly exerts himself to serve the cause of his creed. His power naturally increases thousands of times when the energy stored in the world comes to his aid."

* * *

more ideas from Man and his Destiny, M Mutahhery
(c) Feb 2007

Thursday 22 February 2007

A Dieu

dedicated to those closest of friends I only spoke to a handful of times.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So you've come one last time to bid me farewell
i'll smile and say, i cant pretend i wont miss
what i saw in you since that first day
that sweet spark of goodness that winked
at me playfully once & over again
& we grew in quiet respect to appreciate
what must have been a type of love -- it is there still
not clinging, secure & unchanging as distance tears us apart & spreads

So now you're moving on & won't visit anymore, i wish you
all you'd dare to dream for & more, as the world is at your feet
& though once in a while i'll think back over days gone by
it will always be with fond memories & never questioning
why each leaf that's blown from the same tree falls so far

My friend I can't say i wont miss talking
but this was never the true link which grew, that wont be severed over miles & times
for what i saw & loved in you keeps you in my prayers

So, i thank you for the parting wish
which is more than i've had from some like you, who just disappeared
& wish you all your heart desires in life, i know you'll be fine
until the great reunion which draws like to like, if i should ever cross your mind
& too make you smile & wonder what i'm up to, & care to visit one last time
although i know you wont & thats ok i'll say,

i'll always be here
should you want to try.


* * *

Sunday 18 February 2007

virtual II

by analogy

1. the "incompatibility" of destiny & free-will. your world is pre-programmed. each choice presented to your character, its consequences and the choices it leads to are all determined at the earliest stage of game development. all possible futures for your character are encapsulated in this, as at no time can the game evolve outside the original structure set by the Programmer. As He wrote it, He has knowledge of these - all that will or could possibly befall you. This includes both actions as a result of your choices, and the greater storyline that is the Author's decided theme for the game.

This is destiny.

You are the character. You enter the world free, and are presented with a number of choices. At each stage, you are able to select your course in consideration of the consequences of your actions, and your overall aim. Although the branches of the choices you face are set, you are free to select which of the thousands and thousands of branches you will walk upon at each fork in the road. You can play the game as it was intended, or ignore the plot and amuse yourself as you see fit. You can shape your path through the consequences of your deeds, which lead to specific situations dependent on your previous choices. You can decide if you will be the hero or the villain, and this is irrespective of which of these the Author desires you to become. He has presented you with a number of options, informing you which serve the purpose of the game, and which do not - but does not compel you to choose one side or the other. This, He leaves up to you. Note, the Programmer knows everything which will, and will not be in this game, before, after and during your adventure. As you play, He watches you cut down this myriad of options into one path in your wake -- a path which has always been wholly within His knowledge. You go only from multiple conditional destinies to a single, fulfilled destiny.

This is free will, within predestination.


2. it is incorrect, not to mention incredibly dangerous, to believe because the Author knows what is to befall you, you have no choice in the matter. This is ideologically unsound, as only a tyrant would force arbitrary numbers of people into a path then send them to perdition because of it, while others he gives another path and a sweet reward. It contradicts His property of Justice and Mercy. In addition there would be no motivation to better yourself, nor to accept accountability for your evil deeds.

It is also incorrect, not to mention incredibly dangerous, to believe your free will is an absolute, and nothing is destined. This again is ideologically unsound, as it denies His attribute of Knowledge. In addition man would consider himself capable of all things in and of his own power, shaping a path arbitrarily where there was nothing before, with no greater destiny or meaning.

Ghaylan of Damascus: "Do you think Allah likes to be disobeyed?"
Rabi'ah al-Ray: "It is you who believe Allah is disobeyed against His will!"

* * *

ideas from Man and his Destiny, M. Mutahhery
(c) Feb 2007

Thursday 15 February 2007

virtual

"What's the story?"

When players ask what the story is, I imagine Macbeth asking what the story to Macbeth is before the play begins. You are the protagonist, the hero of the game -- the story is what you decide to make it. There are going to be foils to your character: people who will try to stop some of your more grandiose goals, and people who are there to help it if it serves them. But it is your aims and ambitions that frame the story. After all, these games are plays in which the stars are members of the audience. Given a large, well-appointed stage, a supporting cast of improvisationalists, and an alert backstage crew, they are capable of anything. And the best thing We can do is give you what you want, and get out of your way.

You have a challenge ahead of you in more ways than one. This is a game designed to encourage exploration and reward curiosity. There are opportunities to do great and heroic deeds, and, likewise, possibilities of indulging in less virtuous activities. You are not required to follow a path of righteousness nor a path of depravity, but both roads and everything in between are open to you.

And so we turn the question back to you, "What's the story?" It is not for us to answer. Follow your own spirit and tell your own story in your own way.

We hope only to help you make it real.

* * *
adapted for a purpose,
original courtesy of TES ch. 2: Introduction
Bethesda Softworks.

Wednesday 14 February 2007

"i'm bored"

HOW easily those words roll off the tongue. To paraphrase a respected friend, you would not be bored if you would remember what was really happening. As we sit idle, engrossing ourselves in what is around us, a great calamity ever inches towards. This life we have built for ourselves… this sheltered cocoon… a family, possessions, daily routine and mundane responsibilities… has clouded our vision and obscured it, until it has become all we see. Though we profess “we believe”, our actions speak otherwise. When I look at this computer screen, keyboard, mouse… these black and white words tracing their way across the screen, and think of nothing else, I am saying… this is real. This is reality. This is all there is.

That is what we have been trained to believe. From birth, we have been unwittingly taught to turn our attentions to what is around us. When we grow and adopt beliefs, they come secondary to this preconceived view of the world. I can say, I believe in God… I know about devils and angels, the first day and the judgement to come. I know my responsibilities, as a human... yet the greater world of good and evil, of Truth, justice and light remains beyond my short-sighted gaze. As I type I remain oblivious to the devils whispering around me, and the angels standing guard…. I cannot see the all enveloping Mercy and Power which perpetually surrounds me, and everything else in existence. I cannot see beyond the end of my nose, to my individual and collective human destiny rushing towards me faster than a tidal wave striking the shore. Time is racing towards us, until the Truth arrives… His book, His messenger… His guidance is complete before us; that we might survive. This blindness we have let envelop has almost destroyed us… but for the solitary hope that we may wake up before our eyes close forever, in the arms of death.

We are… as if preparing against an army of ruthless marauders racing towards our gates. Living on borrowed time, we cannot afford to let a day go by without preparing for their advent. As with a tangible threat, our survival and our very existence depends on the extent of our training. This is the ultimate stand, where we must protect ourselves from external and internal weaknesses. This is what matters more than any other battle we will ever see, because on its outcome rests the fate of our lives and afterlives for all eternity. So, untrained as we may be, we must whip ourselves into shape to become great warriors, able to stand side by side in the greatest army. Perseverance is the key, as with any training: the discipline to start small and keep working, the humility to get up after failure and try again. Against the pressures of time, we have the capability to succeed if we overcome our beguiling perceptions… as we are the only real obstacle in our way.


If you find your centre, then you’re bound to win. we were created for this, perfectly suited to this purpose. We were made to find our real selves, and finally stand upright as true Human Beings… useful servants of God, in the army of His Imam (aj).


* * *
(c) final revision Aug 2006

Saturday 10 February 2007

knowledge & submission II

conclusions

1. Learn. even if there is no pressing reason, even if there is no immediate task to fulfil, even if there is no point for learning other than its own sake. learn until you grasp the entirety of the subject, you master it so that its complexities come as naturally as breathing and you can bend and shape its manifestation to whatever form takes your whim. Excel in whatever you can, even if this is not what you would most wish to excel in: for excellence leads to excellence as all rivers join and eventually lead to the sea, while resignation to mediocrity leads only to stagnation.


2. When you are given an opportunity, it will come to you on your home turf. It will be in an area you are connected to, and are capable of understanding. This is true even if you chose not to excel. You will be called upon to use the skills you posess, though the extent of this skill will vary according to your effort in honing it. If you have not made the effort, Trust and Sincerity will help you overcome the trembling of your heart.... if you have, Clarity and Certainty lead your way, and this is by far the easiest path.


3. Once you are certain, the heavens and earth split before you and ask you to Choose. The full consequence of each path will become clear to you, their tails leading high above the clouds or spiralling down towards the earth's core. You will have to choose immediately, for opportunities rarely wait, and delay reflects no choice at all. There is no retreat as noone is able to un-learn. if you devoted yourself to perfecting your vision, you are able to fix your gaze upon the great but distant reward... if you were only concerned by the close and immediate, these will occupy your attention and pull you towards the other choice. You would percieve the bad as good and ease as difficulty.


It is in your nature to act as is best for you; ensure you are capable of judging well what this is.


* * *


(c) Feb 2007

Friday 9 February 2007

knowledge & submission

I have always respected the magicians who came to prove Moses (as) a charlatan, but ended up submitting to his faith when they saw his miracle of the snake. At the most obvious level: these men accepted the veracity of Moses' claims upon witnessing the miracle, and immediately professed belief in his message. I had wondered at the humility and sincerity of these men and had wished to be like them... but did not think much past this point until today.

The sheikh was explaining. These magicians were not just any magicians; the Quran states,

They said: Put him off and his brother, and send collectors into the cities:
That they may bring to you every enchanter possessed of knowledge (7:111-2)

...and they produced a mighty enchantment. (7:116)

These magicians were the most skilled, the most learned in the entire kingdom. They were posessed of knowledge to the mastery of their art. And suddenly, it hit me. This is how they were able to submit so fully, so devotedly, upon witnessing the miracle of Moses (as).

These men were at a state of knowledge in their art, and in the laws of nature and what was possible within them, that gave them immediate certainty (yaqeen) in the matter. Their expertise made them immediately certain that what Moses (as) had brought was from a Higher power, and not just a parlour trick. After all, the entire court witnessed this miracle, did it not? Yet at this stage from those actively opposing the message, only the magicians submitted.

And the enchanters were thrown down, prostrating (themselves). They said: We believe in the Lord of the worlds, The Lord of Musa and Haroun. (7:120-2)

And what a submission. As soon as the snake had swallowed their staffs, in the open; in front of a tyrant who believed he himself was God (nauthubillah); in spite of the promises of worldly riches and a high position at court, they declared their belief. Their knowledge gave them the means to submit at the earliest opportunity; understanding the benefit in this course over worldly gain.

They did not believe that Moses (as) was a god and start worshipping him - despite the fact they had been treating Pharaoh as a god, and Moses (as) had not yet been given a chance to preach his message fully - they understood this was beyond human power. Their knowledge gave them a firm intellectual footing in faith, and allowed them to draw solid conclusions on witnessing the miracle.

And when Pharaoh threatened them with the worst torture, being crucified and having their limbs severed, what did they say?

They said: Surely to our Lord shall we go back:

And you do not take revenge on us except because we have believed in the communications of our Lord when they came to us! Our Lord: Pour out upon us patience and cause us to die in submission. (7:125-6)

The truth of the situation was clear to them. They believed in God and would turn back to Him; relying upon their Lord, the posessor of Might and Power above all human capabilities. They knew Pharaoh had no just cause for contesting the faith, and was acting like a spoilt child out of arrogance and egotism. They knew that what Pharaoh threatened was difficult for them but that God was Greatest, so they prayed to Him for patience and to accept their submission.

Upon witnessing this one act relating to their knowledge, they had certainty in faith that could not be shaken by any worldly promise or threat.

This is what knowledge does for submission, as long as you are sincere.


* * *

"There are three kinds of people. The scholars, the seekers of knowledge and all the others are a waste of humanity"
-- Imam Jafar as Sadiq (as), according to hadeeth


(c) Feb 2007

Thursday 8 February 2007

strange

I found this at the back of one of my notebooks. I'd completely forgotten I'd ever written it.

* * *

strange how you don't see what is before you
in it's own light, until truth overwhelms
and that first assumption carried through
is blown away like dry husks, leaving the seed
it is a laddered lesson that must be learnt
not to judge things as they first seem.

* * *
(c) first & final version, summer 2006

Tuesday 6 February 2007

dream ~~ mashhad

where the days stretch out, expanse in green and gold
& skies melt in illumined heights & azure walls
for the hallowed halls bedecked in glistening cut
in crowds but grace which sweeps and curves to core
a golden cage marks one the heart beats for

how love strains forth in reach & in like is met
no dream so sweet imagined if not once felt
and blooms the silent pledge made whole in earnest hope
so sadly part... but only til bond, stretched, pulls close once more.

(c) final version May 2006

green

for bery, wherever you are now.

for those of you who don't know who bery is (and that would probably be all of you), I met him a long time ago, and spoke to him only handful of times. I still remember him for what I saw of his character in those few words, and his spirit as a Seeker of Truth. This poem would be an account of the first time we met.

For those of you now getting worried (and again, that would probably be all of you -- not least bery if he were to read this), don't. As he once told me, "I am not your long-lost brother". And of course, he is not. He was just someone a few ladders across from me and higher up, who -- by the grace of God -- was there to call down some words of wisdom that helped me, when i'd just got hold of the first few rungs.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Idly passing the time
your words caught my attention
and through, revealed at once
an effortless brilliance
and gentle grace

the minds eye overpowered my vision, &
i saw my path between jagged
red stone mountains in midmorning sun
climbing past rocky veils
for the final turn
and push over and up

to suddenly stand before the rising horizon
& see full to the ground

and be knocked breathless
by the sight

of rolling green, forrested hills
a secret valley... thick with trees,
enshrouded in mists,
leaves rustling, birds singing,
in every contrast to the red dust all around

pulsing and humming with
Life

overwhelmed by its beauty, i sat,
dumbfounded,
staring silently at the screen.


(c) from an event much earlier, put to words Sep 2006

Monday 5 February 2007

bookshelf

i look over at them and wonder.
The paper veils painting sun and mountains
hiding deepest oceans of blue, near luminous
yet unfathomable quickly fading into mists and swirls
the truer form of what is known
only recognised as a distant memory...

they seem dead, but
between the lines realities merge,
past and present
life and death,
opening windows onto
winged, sunlit clarity
& deep saturating peace

not of them, but
through them i find you all
i hear your words to me,
i feel the rain again
strike my barren pastures
& once more
feel the gently smiling sun upon my face

...

the lightning-flash fades,
and again all is dark

i lie in my paper coffin
with eyes shut
as you live around me,
between the folds and turns
of what is enscribed on my shroud.


(c) final revision 2005

On life

worth a thousand words... painted by surat al baqarah



true story...

my father knows a doctor who used to live in iraq. the doctors family were once in favour with saddam & worked for him,until by chance one of his cousins was standing amongst a group of men who had earnt saddams anger, & was sentenced to execution with them. from then on, the entire family was blacklisted - every quarter a questionnaire was sent out by the iraqi government on which this execution had to be declared. in bold at the foot of the document was the warning that lying about such things was an act of treason, which is punishable by death. slowly, the doctor's family were picked off one by one, until he decided to flee the country with his wife and four young daughters, in a night, leaving behind everything they owned. travel was prohibited to blacklisted people, especially doctors, but against all the odds they made it out alive & settled in the UK.

back then, iraqi nationals living abroad were given free tickets to visit iraq. a few months passed, and the doctors wife became very homesick. she begged her husband to return, if only for a week or two to see her family, but he flatly refused, knowing that he wouldnt make it out again. he told her that she could go, but that if she was detained he would not come back for her. she agreed to this, and took the children to iraq for two weeks. of course at the visa office her return was postponed once they realised who she was. the government used her to get information about her husband, then called him, threatening, bribing & taunting him as a coward to try to get him to come back. he couldnt, as he knew what it would mean for both him and his family. so he changed his name and identity, forgot all traces of his language and origin & went into hiding, never daring once to contact his wife or daughters. its now 12 years since then.

that was saddam.


one day by chance at an international convention his group met a canadian physician. the doctor's friends got talking to him & let slip that the doctor was iraqi in origin, despite the english name. the canadian was married to an iraqi girl himself, so asked for more details like the family name. he was a little surprised when he heard it was the same as that of his wife... he reasoned perhaps the doctor was a distant relative of hers. it turns out the doctor was her father. they soon realised & the canadian son-in-law told the doctor as much as he could about his family... that his eldest daughter was married to him & living in canada, with children; that his second child was living a few hours away in manchester, also married & with twin 3-year old boys; and his third and fourth daughters were engaged to be married & still in iraq. the doctor called his wife, who couldnt believe he was still alive, and apologised and swore she didnt believe they would hold her back like this. he spoke to his children, & went to visit his daughter & grandchildren in manchester. after being completely cut off from his family for over a decade the doctor had found a small tribe of relatives. He visits his closest daughter & her family regularly & is starting to re-learn arabic.


that is Allah.

* * *

final revision, August 2004 (c)

Sunday 4 February 2007

To Ahmed Andrew Verdal Lyngset

and other people I spoke to once and never again...

hi.



* * *
Ahmad: the most praiseworthy of those who praise Allah.

This is the celestial name of the Prophet (peace of Allah and blessings be upon him) of Allah, the Ever-Existing, the All-Powerful, 360,000 years before He created the creation, created from His divine Light a sacred light. That light upon light praised Allah before and during the creation of the heaven and the heavenly and the earth and the earthly. The inhabitants of the heavens named that light Ahmad. As his praise of Allah is greater than the praise of all that is created, he is called ahmad-al-hamideen – the greatest of all givers of praise.

Ahmad is the name by which the prophet of Allah (pbuh) is mentioned in the Gospel.

‘And when Jesus, son of Mary said, “O children of Israel, surely I am the messenger of Allah to you, verifying that which is before me of the Torah and giving good news of a messenger who will come after me, his name being Ahmad.”
(Surah Saff, 6)

In the Bible, Jesus (may Allah bless him) says:

‘I have yet many things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now. Howbeit when he, the Spirit of Truth, is come, he will guide you unto all truth, for he shall not speak of himself, but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak; and he will show you things to come. He shall glorify me.

(John 14:17)

The Spirit of Truth who speaks but Allah’s words is Ahmad.






good choice.

no love lost...

~~~ A LETTER ...

[1] I was strong and more beautiful than you when your eye fell upon me. was it out of your jealousy, i wonder, that you kept silent as you saw the start of my disease, secretly pleased that all i had that you didn't (a) would slowly be lost? i dont know. but you saw it, clear as day, right from the start when even at times i myself may have been deluded about its nature.

[2] as time passed by, my health worsened. signs of decay about me were now evident, the lingering stench hanging in the air belying what seemed good. the influence of the core of my disease was showing - my strength and beauty (b) had deserted me, with all that was healthy starving as the cancer gorged, and fed, and grew. you saw all this, anyone with eyes could see it.

and, donning your black mask and raising your axe high, you cut off my supply of medicine, my food, my air (c); feeding me instead poisons you would slip into my water with your left hand when you thought no one was looking (d), until all that was good in me had withered and weakened, and all that was corrupted and decayed had engulfed me, taking whatever there was for its own needs (e).

[3] for 30 years you let me like this, living but not living, weakening with each day as the disease grew stronger. the cancer had invaded almost every part of me; my limbs, eyes, ears, even my brain... all, except for my beating heart which still pounded laboriously pounded, all but crushed under the weight pressed upon it (f). perhaps you saw this, and knew. under the decay, the same heart was still beating. it held the secret of who i had been, and was agonised at what i had become. it knew, as you did. but you turned your eye (g) away from me, from my pitiful, oppressed state, as you appeared to rearrange yourself upon the throne you had fashioned, amusing yourself with your own gain and power.

to the world you seemed oblivious, but you were anything but. you knew exactly what was happening, and my despair suited you right down to the ground you trod upon.

[4] so when your games came back to bite you, the veil fell from your grasp, revealling what lay beneath. you couldnt risk anyone knowing your weakness, especially not at the hands of someone you deemed so far beneath you (h). lives were lost, but it was the insult that boiled your blood. they dared to attack you. of course, you levelled their home for it, regardless of the fact that the culprits were long gone, and closed your iron grip over those that remained (i). making an example of them didnt lessen the burn of the insult though, did it. I know. I know you better than you think.

[5] so, now donning a white coat and stethoscope, you set after me. as a mercy, you told the world. i was suffering, and might hurt someone, you said. with your elaborately woven lies, who did you think you were fooling? you chased me out of a paranoid fear that the disease that had so ravaged me could somehow extend its reach over the earth and sky to irritate you.

Rubbish. and you knew it. but it was an excuse, and through the hysteria you thought you could convince enough to make it seem justified. you did convince some, but not all. even your own heart (j) was against you in this. but everyone knows, the heart can be silenced when the mind so wishes (k).

so you came after the core of my original cancer, and cut it out with a rusty hacksaw with no anaesthetic. you had to get your hands dirty. and instead of gushing praise from me, all that was left of me reviled at your touch. made you mad, didn't it.

[6] i wont deny it, i was glad when the old cancer was finally gone. it had been a thousand years since i was last able to breathe. but cancer, by its nature, spreads. ask any doctor, cancer takes over healthy tissue making it cancerous too. it forms secondary and tertiary tumours all over the body. with 30 years to grow, you knew very well that removing the core wouldnt cure the disease. so when you were done patting yourself on the back for your surgery-well-done, you announced to the world that i was too ill to look after myself, and that you, the merciful & kind (l), would move into my house and look after me.

after all you have done and not done, you come to me with a plastic olive-branch and the devils grin on your face telling me you will nurse me to health. Do you expect me to thank you??

while i lie here, trying to recover and gather my thoughts, you change my house to suit yourself, you eat my food and wear my clothes (m)... you leave me confined in a room with no windows or door, visiting only to mouth meaningless pleasantries and more empty promises for the eyes of the world.

perhaps you think that you can keep me like this, or mould me to your own image while i am in this susceptible state.

there is one thing you have forgotten.

my heart.
it beats still. and as long as it beats, you will never be able to rule me.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

... TO AMERICA, FROM IRAQ ~~~

(a) oil, wealth and stuff
(b) the 'brain drain'& masacres of opposing scholars etc
(c) sanctions, oil for food (slimy gits)
(d) back door arms sales
(e) saddam had warehouses full of medicines that would expire without use while people didnt have so much as an aspirin. he ate deer fed with cardomom & cinnamon while the people starved in the street.
(f) the real iraq, the believers.
(g) who has one eye? think about it.
(h) generally anyone not from the west, specifically in this context those taliban morons. i dont like them or what they did either; but i wanna talk about the retaliation.
(i) afghanistan
(j) same imagery as in (f). the believers, the good people. of course there ARE good people in america, but the deeds and words of the evil ones engulf & control almost all of what comes from there towards the world.
(k) by mind i mean what controls the limbs & brings about action. the government.
(l) sarcasm.
(m) about 2 days after baghdad fell, america announced multi-billion dollar deals made to aid the 'reconstruction' of iraq. and of course, the oil.
* * *
(c) final revision on Feb 2004

hello there

this, you could say, is a glimpse into my journal

or it would be if i had one. In theory, all of the stuff i'm putting up will be thoughts-on-paper (or screen) from the past few years... but you can never tell exactly where something will end up before you start it. one thing i can definitely say,

everything here is by me (copyright and all that applies, you've been warned), and is straight from the heart -- a genuine reflection of what i was once feeling.

as i've said before, here goes nothing.... in no particular order